this is just something that floats around in my head, when i zone out and reflect on the past, it's some repressed feelings, unspoken words, im not trying to be whiney or some bull like that i don't ask for pity i honestly don't but coming from a girl who stays up hours of the night to cry and let out her emotions without anyone beside her to vent to it's hard not to get like this, furious at everyone around her, upset easily and rarely in a happy state and always venting so someone will listen to me, last time to say it im not asking for pity i am asking for someone who will listen and help me cross my bridges one after another without abandoning me halfway through
so..it's 4 am my boyfriend fell asleep on Skype, i wanted him to be awake so we could talk about Bravely Default together since he just got it but no, im not mad just upset because lately i don't have somebody to stay up with to talk to and keep me happy and then i just ended the call and closed my 3DS..i decided to just sit there in my bed charge my phone up and my ds for the morning. It hit me earlier but i just it go but then at 3 am it came back..Rin what happened to her?? she was the best idea i ever had, y'know my doorway of escaping reality she had her own life the one i wanna live, i even had a best friend she was so accepting of me and she eve made time for me when all my irl friends couldn't, we hadn't even been friends for a year and what did i do, i shut off my mind and let instincts take over, yell and fight with anyone and everyone i could i even hurt my friend, she had had enough of my outbursts and was done..she erased every part of our friendship and to watch someone you held close to you just delete everything..it's heart breaking
months went on, depression, fear and who knows what set in, i did everything i could to get her back, i even hurt myself i deserved it for stabbing her in the back like that..her best friend..her sister it was too much.
then she left, that made it all worse, my fear intensified and my depression grew even more, i stopped eating i just quit caring about myself because i thought there was no point.
back to Rin at the time i just wanted my life back by that i mean Rin's Adam had left and she was all alone, i know many tried to help but there it was again my brain was shut off and only depression and stubbornness were left, i wish i could've turned it back on before i ruined everything again..look what that did nothing had changed and more things went down hill Rin got dumped more times and so did more of my OC's who i cherished like my own children i made them because they helped me escape reality and made me feel..happy i want alone really is how i could put it
but it gets to me today, all their lives were ruined Rin, Riley, Vivi, Scott-everyone i cared about they were stomped on, and nobody put my feelings into thought..i was dealing with enough depression and having their lives just get worse and worse was adding to it..i understand that the admins had to move on with their lives..i can't have everything i know that not everything can go how ya want it to yes yes but..it happened one after another it was literally that bad for me, Rin got dumped, Riley was divorced (admin had to go..so i call it divorce i guess) Viviann got pregnant and wasn't even given a chance, Scott met his first girlfriend and then was dumped
today i cry over it all and it's that kind that hurts, it's painful cries. I see how much they all moved on and it's disgusting..it makes my stomach turn and my heart race thats my reaction to a lot of things i even start shaking badly i mean..how the hell do you move on that fast you break my heart and my babies hearts and then oh loooook you already got engaged like an hour later..i'll say this i hate you people who do this to me..i am sorry but you make me hate me i don't get some apology? (i take things personally, my OC's are as personal as they can get) look i don't wanna have any negative feelings towards anyone! but it's how i grew up and how i turned out thought the years, i still envy you in ways but you messed up my babies lives and you already moved on..it seems like a cold move to a 15 year old girl..
look this applies to people i was friends with and just..changed you know who you are, the minute i say i word to you i'll call you anything "friend" "sis" "buddy" ANYTHING because im a very friendly person really i like a lot of people who don't even know i exist..
what this is trying to is say is that, i get upset over A LOT and if i lash out just disregard it, my way of making amends is not the best actually. I need a friend i can confide in and go to who will understand also they can't give up on me..i'd feel really abandoned because that's what happens. If you've crossed me i'll feel a bit of hatred towards you but trust me it's not gonna be forever i don't hold grudges long
i'll shut up now and go